— how to be a linux user
I’m sure all of this is already in y’all’s blood. But you know, I figured I should write it down for all the noobs out there. They need to learn how to behave properly as a luser.
- If something doesn’t work for you, tell yourself that you don’t really need it anyways.
- Convert at least five others to user your distribution of choice. Even against their will. Do whatever it takes. Lie about how it makes such a great OS. Tell them the people at the NYSE use it. Tell them it gets less viruses. Tell them it runs on their toaster, so it’s awesome. If they resist, here’s some things you can do:
- Do NOT research Microsoft security technologies. Instead, just point solely to Windows 95 and UAC as examples of poor security on Windows
- Tell them that they can install thousands, no millions, of apps with a single command.
- Tell them that they’ll have choice. Do not tell them that they’ll have to make tons of choices which they know nothing about.
- If they are non-programmers, tell them that it’s a fantastic opportunity to get into programming and spend hours and hours to make their system work.
- Question their manhood or womanhood.
- Accuse them of spreading FUD.
- If they’re Mac users, accuse them of blatant homosexuality. Then tell them that they’re spending way too much money. Show them your wobbly windows.
- If they point out that they won’t be able to do something that they could before, tell them that they didn’t really need to do that anyways.
- A year later, convert them to your new distribution of choice.
- When you have a configuration problem, do one or more of:
- File a bug, without doing any research on the problem.
- If you’re really in the mood, find a totally unrelated bug, and post a comment along the lines of, “Hey, I think this might be related …”
- If you’re actually partially smart and have found the appropriate bug report, post a comment saying ‘Me too!’, even though there are already 300 of the same. It really helps developers when their bug report pages are really long. You see, they judge the importance of a bug by how short their scrollbar grabby-thing gets.
- Post to Ubuntutips. Be sure to sound really spoiled.
- Tell yourself that you don’t need that feature. Tell yourself that if you wait patiently you’ll have it in 2 years, maybe.
- Write something along the lines of “I totally need this feature XXX to work. Someone help me” to every mailing list you can find that ends with -devel.
- When others have problems, do one or more of:
- Tell them that it works for you, and give no further information. New users must learn on their own. Remember this. It’s for their own good.
- If you’re a little more motivated, tell them that it works for you, and then tell them about your hardware that is totally different from theirs.
- Never reveal that you actually have no idea what you’re talking about. Suggest random solutions like patching their kernel.
- If they’re trying to watch some video or listen to some music in a non-free format, drop some knowledge on them about how they’re poisoning society. Trust me, everyone really cares. They’re just too stupid to know to care.
- If all else fails, yes, you can tell them that they don’t really need that feature. By wanting it, they’re just prolonging their addiction to useful software.
- Most importantly, write blogs, comment on blogs, post on forums , anything, to tell people that your Linux desktop does everything you need, but make sure you know absolutely nothing about the proprietary software workflows that exist on other platforms. It’s really important that you have a “clean room” opinion, unaffected by the imperfections of the real world.